On Leadership

That's probably a misquote and also misattributed, but it serves my purposes, so who cares?  I pulled it off the internet, so it must be true.

Ah, the fine art of trying to control other people.  Let's look at some basic strategies, shall we?

Carrot:  entice desired behavior with rewards; positive reinforcement.  Too little and the subject loses interest.  Pull the reward away too often (to encourage further progress) and you breed discouragement and resentment.  It is important to note that different types of rewards affect people differently; see 5 Love Languages for home life, for instance.  In a work environment, some employees may prefer a private pat on the back, while others may thrive on public recognition, or additional time off, or bonus pay, or new opportunities, etc.  Everyone is different and the preferences can even be dynamic.

Stick:  discourage unwanted behavior with punishment; negative reinforcement.  Too little and there is little effect on the subject.  But too much, especially too much too often, and the subject becomes disaffected to the negative stimulus.  It loses its effect and the subject no longer cares if they receive it anymore.  Further, it breeds a strong resentment towards the leader.  The leader loses credibility to lead.  The subject can also suffer other long-term health problems and become despondent, unmotivated, and unaffected by further stimulation of any type.  Even too much negative stimulus in a short period can cause PTSD-like symptoms and a small amount of negative stimulus consistently over a long period of time can cause chronic stress.

Manipulation:  persuade the subject that they want to do something.  The leader uses knowledge about the subject and general human nature to undermine the subject's own autonomy and self-determination.  Examples include negging (backhanded compliments), nagging, yelling, silent treatment, threats, swearing, emotional blackmail, guilt trip, sulking, crying, playing the victim, rationalization, minimization, selective attention, shaming, evasion, vilifying the victim, veiled threats, seduction, projecting blame, feigning innocence or confusion, brandishing anger, and bandwagon effect (from wikipedia).

Dark Psychology:  this is simulated waterboarding and is just plain sick no matter how you look at it.  Any person or organization that does this commits a crime against humanity in my opinion.  Examples include inducing fear, threats, and intimidation to break a person's will; using deep deceptive tactics in an attempt to throw a subject into psychosis; recruiting family members and community residents; employing agents in the community to shape a message in the mind of the subject; spiking a subject with psychoactive agents; and gaslighting the subject to cause them to question their own experiences and reality.  This is reminiscent of Project MKUltra and  enhanced interrogation techniques (euphemism, anyone?).

Guide:  empathetic shepherding.  When done effectively, the leader perceives the world in the follower's eyes.  They see what they are seeing and feeling, to the best of their ability.  They empathize.  Once the leader has actually taken the time and care to understand the mind of the follower, they can use that knowledge to help them proceed from where they are to where they need to go (which includes where the follower wants to go, not just where the leader wants them to go), at a pace that is appropriate for the follower, using tools the leader equips them with.

By Example:  showing the way.  The leader does little but be themselves and show genuine interest in the people.  They see them as people, individuals, with real lives and real struggles, not objects that serve the leader's purpose.  The leader tries to do their job the best they can, and most will follow naturally.  

Combined Tools:  I really appreciate the humble leader who leads by example, but recognizes it alone is not enough.  A healthy dose of carrot is still good for all.  Most followers still need a little stick from time to time, ensuring the course correction is proportionate and appropriate, and done with empathy and love to help the person improve.  And pretty much everyone needs guidance, even leaders.  Leaders should avoid ever using any manipulation and absolutely any dark psychology (what kind of psychopath?). A good leader would remain forever humble, recognizing that they, too, are imperfect and flawed and on their own path from a certain place at a certain pace, just like everyone else.

I have seen the worst of leaders in toxic work environments and homes and family relationships.  I sadly admit to helping create these at times myself!  Through mistakes we all learn.  Hopefully we learn from others' mistakes.  Sometimes we learn by repeating our own mistakes multiple times.

Sometimes people intentionally manipulate others or abuse their positions or power because they are seeking selfish goals and others are merely means to accomplish those ends.  Other times people manipulate and abuse only because they are stressed or distracted or otherwise lose sight of the bigger picture.

Here's the thing, though.  What's the thing?  Well, here it is, I'm about to tell you:  the bigger picture includes other people.  The bigger picture includes all people.  The bigger picture includes All.  So really, the only reason why anyone is ever selfish or toxic is because they, too, are suffering from lack of perspective.  They are being too small-minded to see, you see?  It's hard to keep that in mind when they are manipulating and causing pain, but it is true.  That's why we should love our enemies (Matthew 5:44) and help them, too, best we can.  Plus, we can all be small-minded at times.