On Forgiveness

I am no expert or sage on anything, least of all on forgiveness. But this is what I hold true.  I will use some examples from the Bible, as I do find some inspiration from it, even as I also try to consider it from its cultural and temporal context, fallible human authors, largely symbolic rather than literal meaning, often long oral histories that deviate from the original story before being recorded in text, and so forth.

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We all err (Romans 3:23).  To me, the idea of sin is connotative with guilt and the idea that there is one and only one standard of perfect morality. I don’t buy into that. I think that morality is relative, but we are alike enough that we can all generally agree on some basic universal principles (Matthew 7:12). Everything beyond that is personal or group preference and to impose it upon others is egotistical and domineering.

But, we all err from general principles of morality. We all inadvertently hurt one another when we ought to know better. We all intentionally hurt one another when we do know better.

We also inadvertently hurt one another when we are truly ignorant.  This calls for patient, gentle teaching.

We also hurt one another, usually inadvertently, when it is unexpected or unreasonable to request someone to do or not do something.  This boundary is dynamic between people, cultures, and time, and is a matter of debate (eg, “safe space”, freedom to hate, punching Nazis, etc).

So we all err, if by err I mean hurt one another intentionally and unintentionally. We don’t like to be hurt, so it follows that we shouldn’t hurt others; see the Golden Rule and variations (Matthew 7:12).

Of course there are times when pain is called for, such as disciplining a child or stopping a nation from committing genocide. I think the keys are both appropriate response (the right kinds of discipline or pain), the right time (choose your battles and time your battles), and proportionality (withhold the nuclear option).  Don't make your child do your laundry for spilling milk (inappropriate).  Don't ground your child a month after they broke a rule; they won't put the two together (ill timed).  Don't scold your child for a mis-placed fork (disproportionate).

In pushing back just the right type, time, and amount, we can establish healthy boundaries with people who don’t know or can’t see our boundaries, or don’t recognize, accept or respect our boundaries. And in using pain to establish and maintain boundaries, it is important not to violate the proportionality rule: do not push back further than necessary.  The Chinese intervened in the Korean War partly because, from their point of view, the UN had pushed too far north instead of maintaining the original geographical balance.  In other words, no need to retaliate.  Most would agree that vengeance is immoral (Matthew 5:38-42).

That brings me, finally (finally!), to forgiveness.  We could say a converse corollary to the Golden Rule is that since we all err, we all would like opportunities to learn from our mistakes and improve. We all would like opportunities to make it up to the people we hurt. So we would all like forgiveness. If we want forgiveness, we should expect to give it as well (Matthew 6:14-15, Luke 6:27-36).

Of course, not all are willing or, more likely, capable of learning from their mistakes, or rather, learning quickly. This is understandable. We are all at any given place on the continuum of one to infinity, and all heading in the same direction at our own pace. So don’t you even worry about any of that (Matthew 6:25-34).

Not all of us are willing to be vulnerable to providing additional opportunities to people who have hurt us, either.  Our tolerance might be lower because of past burns and scars, or we might have been burned and scarred multiple times by the same person or people.  Perhaps they have demonstrated an unwillingness or inability to learn at this time.

It is hard to fault someone who is unwilling or unable to be vulnerable again to someone who has hurt them, or people in general if they have been hurt much.  But there is some choice is this.  You might not be able to simply forgive, but like someone who cannot immediately touch their toes, they can stretch themselves more and more everyday with determination, if they want.

Why would you want to learn to be vulnerable?  Because while being open allows sensitivity to pain, it also allows sensitivity to love.  Conversely, while being closed allows one to be desensitized to pain, it also makes one desensitized to love.  The greatest of all things is love (Matthew 22:37-40, 1 Corinthians 13).  My heart goes out to those who are calloused and desensitized to love.

So the trick, then, perhaps, is to find the right balance between being open and closed in general and the right balance between being open and closed with each person, and for all of these, the distance and openness is dynamic, a dance to and fro.

"My gawd, dude, do you seriously overthink everything"?

"Yep, pretty much".

So if we can just move closer or further as necessary, opening and closing as necessary, what's the point of forgiveness?  For one, as mentioned, because we want forgiveness for our wrongs, too (Matthew 6:14-15, Luke 6:27-36).  When possible, we want the opportunity to do right by a person, to do better.

More importantly, if we can earn someone's forgiveness and honor that forgiveness by not being a repeat offender, then we have helped that person heal and move on.  For those who are empathetic, it hurts oneself to hurt others.  For those who are are empathetic, helping others heal, especially those you have hurt, is a huge relief.

"Jeebus, dude.  You really do overthink everything".

"I wasn't lying.  I'm a very honest person".

And so forgiving others has the expectation that we also want to be forgiven, but most importantly of all is that forgiving others is a huge release.  We are nothing but consciousness, which is to say thought (that we develop here in the material world).  Nothing else.  So if we ruminate on wrongs done, or anything else for that matter, we are continuing to relive in pain, literally living in the past.  That can be understandable.  There is no fault for anyone who does that.  I do that often.  But it's important to at least recognize it for what it is.  By forgiving, whether it is asked for or not, whether it is deserving or not, whether the recipient is even aware of it or not, the forgiver does themselves a great service by letting go of the thought cycle caught on repeat, the thought cycle caught on repeat, the thought cycle caught on repeat.

Forgiving does not require one to change boundaries.  It is entirely possible to recognize that someone is not willing or capable of learning and changing at this time, and yet still forgive them.  It is entirely possible to recognize that someone might be willing or capable of learning and changing, but you're not willing or capable of taking the risk of being more vulnerable again at this time; and yet still forgive them.

"Ok, man, like, this all makes sense, but do you really have to break it apart and analyze it to death like this"?

"Yes.  Yes I do.  Next question, please".