Tale of the Witch Who Loved Gold

There once was a witch who loved Gold.  She loved Gold more than life itself, more than her own happiness or anyone else's.  She wasn't evil, just so obsessed with Gold that that was all she could ever think about or see.  

She loved to bathe in it.

One night in the castle tunnel she had a vision to search for Gold.  She went up into her high tower and stared through a tiny telescope all night long, searching for Gold that would glitter in the moonlight.  But because she stared so much at the shining it caused her grave eyesight damage.

Everyone across the kingdom either feared her or pitied her or both.  However, the witch was blind from staring at the glittering Gold and did not care.  She did not care that they feared or pitied her, for she loved Gold more than anything else, even her own happiness or anyone else's.

It was hard to blame the witch, for she came from a clan of witches and warlocks that were obsessed with Gold.  They would wage horrific wars on other lands.  They would rape and pillage in the name of Gold, and they would enslave innocent people and force to them destroy their own lands digging for Gold.

One day the witch desired to use a magical spell to turn an ordinary goose into one that lays Golden eggs.  She had gandered a look about such a goose in a book by Aesop, you see, and she wanted one for herself, since she was so obsessed with Gold.  I may have mentioned before that she was more obsessed with Gold than she was with her own happiness or anyone else's.

So she summoned some of the enslaved elves and gnomes and cast Mordenkainen's Faithful Watchdog on them to gather material components for all her spells.  The elves and gnomes went on a wild chase that was quite silly over many bumps.  When they returned, they had what was good for the male goose.

So the witch who was not evil, just so obsessed with Gold that she did not care about her own happiness or anyone else's, turned an ordinary goose into one that laid Golden eggs.

And the witch who was not evil was happy.

For about a minute.

You see, the goose did not lay enough eggs.  You see, the goose did not lay eggs fast enough.  They weren't large enough.  The right shape.  The right purity.  Or...

The witch who was not evil went right back to being unhappy again, as she seemed to prefer.  She was too obsessed with Gold, more than her own happiness or anyone else's.

So she had her servants lock that son-of-a-bitch goose up in a pen.  The servants yelled at it if it didn't do as she commanded.  They intimidated it constantly.  They threatened it with castration.  They literally scared the shit out of it.

The witch who was not evil was not happy about the shit.  The shit was not Gold.

So the goose stopped laying Golden eggs for the witch who was not evil.  It started laying whatever the fuck it wanted to, and started giving that away for free to all of the other farm animals held prisoner inside the barn.  That did not make the witch who was obsessed with Gold very happy, but by this time the goose really did not give a goose-flying fuck.

So the witch went down to the barn herself to raise unholy hell.  She really did not like to come down from her high tower, but by then she had ruined all her relationships so badly that no one really wanted to work for her anymore, no matter how much Gold she offered.  So she did not have much of a choice by then, if she wanted to continue the cruelty.

She kicked that son-of-a-bitch goose and told it what a lousy son-of-a-bitch goose it was for not producing exactly what the witch who was not evil wanted.  She slammed the pen door and threw hay and oats at it and went into a mad rage, which she had never, ever done before, ever.

And when she had finally finished, she realized that she had gilted the goose in Gold, and it had flown the coup, never to return.